*I started writing this the day before Hunter’s birthday but then got busy with life!
Well, it’s the day before Hunter’s first birthday and for the past several days I have had many many many thoughts about the past 366 days (remember 2012 was a leap year!). I am not sure if I can put into words the reflections I’ve had on what it has meant to take on this new role of mommy and how it has so profoundly changed my life.
I’ve been remembering those early days in Hunter’s life where I felt like I was moving in a sleep deprived fog and always had an ache in the pit of my stomach because I was afraid of doing something “wrong.”
But at the same time I would look at this tiny being that Brian and I had brought into this world, my heart would swell and I would weep with joy. I couldn’t believe that something so small could fill my heart with such love and I couldn’t believe that he was mine! My son!
I wish I could tell you that things have completely changed, that in a year I have gained complete confidence in my mothering skills and that I always know what to do! I am pretty sure that NO MOM is ever 100% confident in EVERYTHING they do. But, that scary feeling I would mess up eventually went a way. Sure I have my moments of doubt but as I’ve gotten to know my son over the past year my abilities to respond to him have become second nature.
Probably a major turning point in my journey as a mother is when Hunter began reacting and responding to me in ways other than crying and demanding more from me than just food. It’s like he woke up one day and said, “Hi Mom!” I couldn’t tell you exactly when this happened but it definitely changed things!
Probably the most surprising and challenging thing that I’ve had to deal with (and I’m sure this will come as no surprise) as a new mom is sleep (or lack there of!). I had no idea you had to teach your baby to sleep or that their sleeping patterns (much like everything else!) change SO MUCH in the first year. After I got over the shock and realized that what they say is true (you will NEVER sleep the same again) it wasn’t so bad. I still get frustrated and anxious when Hunter isn’t sleeping because I can see how it affects him. For the most part he is a happy easy going guy but when he gets low on sleep it is a different story!
I’ll admit I do kind of miss those first three months when I would let him sleep ANYWHERE especially on my chest!
It has been so fun to watch Hunter change, grow, and learn so many new things in just one year. When you think about it they start out as a cute little blob that only eats, sleep, and poops.
And by one year they talk, can get themselves where they want to go, have preferences for things, understand what your saying, and eat solid food.
When I think about it I have given up a lot of my “old life” to be a mom and I haven’t quite gotten it back yet. I don’t workout as much, my house isn’t in the order that it use to be, I don’t cook as much, I don’t blog as much, I don’t even read blogs very much, my focus at my job has changed and so much more. But for right now I am ok with that. I have embraced this new role and as long as I can do some things that I enjoy occasionally I am good with that. Perhaps as Hunter gets older that I will start taking more me time but honestly when I am not working and home with him, I just want to be with him, playing with him, and interacting with him.
Sometimes at night as I am holding him, right before I put him in his crib I still find myself shedding a few tears. My love for this little guy is so profound. I sometimes still can’t believe how lucky I am. I try my hardest to cherish each day, each precious moment I have with him. This past year has gone so fast and I am sure things never slow down. I love being a mom and I am so grateful that I have my Hunter boy in my life. I look forward to watching him continue to grow and change and to discover how my role as a mom evolves and changes too!
Celebrating one year as a mom!